College Essay
“Ten…, nine…, eight…,” Ecstatic screams from the sidelines. High pitch whistle’s blowing. The sound of the basketball slamming into the slats of the gym floor, as if you were listening to your own heart beat. Teammates encouraging you to go hard or go home. “Seven…, six…, five…,” Time coming down to an end. You either lose or win, but it all comes to an end in a flash. Once you know it it’s over. People say life is like a box of chocolates, but to me life is like an intense basketball game. Especially my life, as simple and calm as it seems, it feels like every aspect of a basketball game can be compared to something in my life.
Every basket made is like a new accomplishment in life. Like the first time I got an A on my math test. The first time I made a basket in my first year being on the high school basketball team against one of the top dogs in the district. Getting into the number one high school in Hawaii, Moanalua High School, with a geographical exception in the media program. The first day of high school. Coming from a small Christian school whose student population was 200 wasn’t that hard of a transition. I felt accomplished that I made it to high school and felt comfortable in a new environment.
But not only did I get accepted to a great school, I made incredible friends. Having great friends is like having teamwork on a basketball team during an extreme game. You need to keep your teammates close, make sure they’re on the same page as you. Make sure they’re doing the right things. My friends in my life always kept me in check with myself. I didn’t have to change the way I am to be accepted with them. During a game you might get frustrated with your teammates for a mistake they made or running a wrong play. Even if you get frustrated you need to communicate with them and tell them what they’re doing wrong. Every time my friends and I would get into a scuffle about something we would talk it out, no matter how hard the situation was we seemed to fix everything. In my life I keep my family and friends close because that’s what keeps me strong.
The ecstatic screams from the sidelines sometimes play with your mind. People yelling at you, it scares you and confuses you into what you want to do. You can hear the disappointment in the crowd when a pass is stolen, or a shot is missed, you can’t let those things get to you. In my life, I listen to my heart, fight temptations and society’s opinions. I try to stay true to myself, and not change for anyone. My family keeps me grounded, they remind me that I’m me and will always be just me. Like a coach, reminds you to stay calm and collective, ignore the fans and yelling crowd, keeps in check and tells you to focus on what’s important. Keeping my mind on what’s important is key, distractions are just obstacles that get in the way.
My dreams and aspirations are formed by the goals I want to reach in the future, and my accomplishments from the past. I move towards my goals by my actions of the present. Basketball is my passion, and my life. Friends keep me together in one piece, and keeps me sane. Family first, it will always be that way. My dreams and aspirations are formed by the life I live.
“Ten…, nine…, eight…,” Ecstatic screams from the sidelines. High pitch whistle’s blowing. The sound of the basketball slamming into the slats of the gym floor, as if you were listening to your own heart beat. Teammates encouraging you to go hard or go home. “Seven…, six…, five…,” Time coming down to an end. You either lose or win, but it all comes to an end in a flash. Once you know it it’s over. People say life is like a box of chocolates, but to me life is like an intense basketball game. Especially my life, as simple and calm as it seems, it feels like every aspect of a basketball game can be compared to something in my life.
Every basket made is like a new accomplishment in life. Like the first time I got an A on my math test. The first time I made a basket in my first year being on the high school basketball team against one of the top dogs in the district. Getting into the number one high school in Hawaii, Moanalua High School, with a geographical exception in the media program. The first day of high school. Coming from a small Christian school whose student population was 200 wasn’t that hard of a transition. I felt accomplished that I made it to high school and felt comfortable in a new environment.
But not only did I get accepted to a great school, I made incredible friends. Having great friends is like having teamwork on a basketball team during an extreme game. You need to keep your teammates close, make sure they’re on the same page as you. Make sure they’re doing the right things. My friends in my life always kept me in check with myself. I didn’t have to change the way I am to be accepted with them. During a game you might get frustrated with your teammates for a mistake they made or running a wrong play. Even if you get frustrated you need to communicate with them and tell them what they’re doing wrong. Every time my friends and I would get into a scuffle about something we would talk it out, no matter how hard the situation was we seemed to fix everything. In my life I keep my family and friends close because that’s what keeps me strong.
The ecstatic screams from the sidelines sometimes play with your mind. People yelling at you, it scares you and confuses you into what you want to do. You can hear the disappointment in the crowd when a pass is stolen, or a shot is missed, you can’t let those things get to you. In my life, I listen to my heart, fight temptations and society’s opinions. I try to stay true to myself, and not change for anyone. My family keeps me grounded, they remind me that I’m me and will always be just me. Like a coach, reminds you to stay calm and collective, ignore the fans and yelling crowd, keeps in check and tells you to focus on what’s important. Keeping my mind on what’s important is key, distractions are just obstacles that get in the way.
My dreams and aspirations are formed by the goals I want to reach in the future, and my accomplishments from the past. I move towards my goals by my actions of the present. Basketball is my passion, and my life. Friends keep me together in one piece, and keeps me sane. Family first, it will always be that way. My dreams and aspirations are formed by the life I live.
3 comments:
Kristy! Your paper was good. I love your intro and how you compare everything to basketball. This paper really sounds like you, cause we all know how much you love basketball. Your ideas are clear, its about your family and friends. Your organization could be improved. I couldn't really tell how it was organized. You had good word choice on your descriptive words. Your punctuations could use some work. Overall I like your paper and I think it really shows who you are. Awesome paper :D
-tris10
Kristay,
Maybe it's the whole sentence fluency thing but the beginning seems like a list that should be separated with commas rather than periods.
"Like a coach, reminds you to stay calm and collective, ignore the fans and yelling crowd, keeps in check and tells you to focus on what’s important."
It actually took me a while to understand what kind of flow you wanted to take on that sentence.
I still think the whole basketball metaphor was clever. Basketball brings people like us together ehehehe.
LAKESIDE!
Hi Kristy,
I agree with Tristen and Kacie that this essay is "you" :) You are describing your sport and your voice comes through strongly because of the wealth of personal experience and passion that you bring to the piece.
You had very good commentary from both your "teammates" on this piece. Tristen mentioned organization and I partially agree. I do think you have three distinct body sections--the comparison to "baskets," the comparison to "team," and then the comparison to "coach." It's that last one, I think, that needs to be described more clearly. Perhaps it's because there are too many comparisons going on in the paragraph...I would concentrate on the "coach" comparison to your family.
Kacie talks about sentence fluency and she is accurate in the sentence she cites. It is a matter of faulty parallels and, instead of trying to write it all down here, I will ask you to come see me about it. (NOTE: I asked you to come in on your other paper and I haven't seen you, yet)
Both Kacie and Tristen comment on grammar and I agree there, too. That one is also one where you need to sit with someone. You could probably ask Kacie or Tristen to help you with this. In addition to the errors they found, there is also the switch to second person "you." Try to elminate the use of "you." Your paper will be stronger without it.
Overall--thoughtful, creative job on your essay!
mrs s
Post a Comment